


RC #133,316,666 Mission #5: For Need Of A Thneed

by SkarmorySilver



Series: Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Response Center #133,316,666 [6]
Category: Protectors of the Plot Continuum, The Lorax (2012)
Genre: Department of Mary Sues, Mary Sue, PPC Mission, Sporking - Freeform, badfic, mini-Lorax
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 11:28:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16554911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarmorySilver/pseuds/SkarmorySilver
Summary: “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, / Nothing is going to get better. It's not.”— Dr. Seuss,The Lorax(1971)In which an originality-deprived Sue pushes (almost) everyone’s buttons.





	RC #133,316,666 Mission #5: For Need Of A Thneed

**Author's Note:**

> \- **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. _My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic_ (Rayner’s home continuum) belongs to Hasbro and Lauren Faust. _The Lorax_ belongs to Dr. Seuss, and the 2012 _Lorax_ film belongs to Illumination Entertainment and Chris Meledandri. Agent Rayner Blitzkrieg belongs to me, and is based off [Trotsworth](http://trotsworth.deviantart.com/)’s character, Rainbow Blitz. Agent Evangeline von Lilith also belongs to me.  
> The fic being sporked, “[Frozen Love](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10521671/1/Frozen-Love)” belongs to [HeartQueen14](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5878293/HeartQueen14), who may kindly keep it.
> 
> \- **Betas:**  
>  Edhelistar, SMF, and Voyd.
> 
> \- **Rating:** G/K - Don't mind me, just breaking my silence here with a (relatively) family-friendly mission.
> 
> \- **Note:** For the upload of this mission to AO3, Rayner's dialogue has been modified to include the speech patterns given to him since 2017.
> 
> \- **Original Posting Date:** July 27, 2015
> 
> \- [Original Document](https://docs.google.com/document/d/18vF5v-8F5pVSx4toOgpXNvYcP7uG2wiI_p_h_H8DU-E/edit)  
> 

Cover Illustration: “[ The Lorax's Persuasive Ways ](http://gothicemerald1.deviantart.com/art/The-Lorax-s-Persuasive-Ways-296710202) ” by [ gothicEMerald1 ](http://gothicemerald1.deviantart.com/)

 

 

 

> “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, / Nothing is going to get better. It's not.”
> 
> — Dr. Seuss, _The Lorax_ (1971)

 

**Pre-Mission**

 

“ _~How ba-a-a-ad can I be? I'm just doing what comes naturally. How ba-a-a-ad can I be? I'm just following my destiny…~_ ”

_Oh, buck you, Glitter Girl._

“You’re just jealous, I can tell.”

 _I should_ not _have let you see that Lorax movie yesterday. It wasn’t even as good as the book, for Celestia’s sake!_

“Excuse me? I personally thought it was an excellent expansion upon the original source material.”

_No, it wasn’t._

Deep within her pocket-dimension holding cell, a certain ex-Ficubus tsked in exasperation, her severed head balanced upon the tip of her tail. As usual, she had nothing to do today except annoy her partner, sitting on the floor with her back to the Generic Surface of a random wall in her chamber. Her minis, cyndaquil the mini-Missingno and Creeper the mini-creeper, were playing a friendly game of tackle before her, though the little pixel ghost obviously had an aerial advantage.

 _Don’t you have anythin’ better to do, anyway?_ Rayner shot at her from his RC. _You’ve been practically pokin’ my eyes out with mental pictures of a shirtless Once-ler all day!_

“Newsflash, Pony Boy: I _don’t_. Really, why don’t you just let me sleep in your RC instead of keeping me here?”

_Because if you’re allowed to free-roam and you’ve still got even a shred of your badfic mentality, who knows what’ll happen?!_

“I’m positively convinced that I’m not like that anymore. What’s the problem with that?”

_Even if you were right, those weeds Upstairs wouldn’t have been convinced. I doubt they’ll take any chances with you after our first mission together._

“Too bad I’m not linked with _them_ telepathically,” she replied with a smirk, putting her head back on her shoulders. “I’d be happy to send them mental images of Dumbledore in nothing but a Speedo every two minutes if that was the case.”

Rayner’s traumatized scream of _OH DEAR PRINCESSES, MY RETINAS!_ was the most satisfying thing she’d heard all day.

“And maybe as an added bonus, I could throw in a few good shots of Earth King Bumi’s wrinkly right –”

**_[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!]_ **

_Don’t. Finish that,_ Rayner retorted fiercely.

“About time,” said E.V.L., closing her eyes and letting her partner’s point of view dance across the insides of her lids. Upon hitting the red button on the console, he raised an eyebrow, and then his lips curled back over his pointed teeth in an unnerving smile.

 _You are going to regret givin’ me all those annoyin’ afterimages,_ he said. _I can tell._

“Why?” asked E.V.L. “From what I can feel of your expression, I’m guessing it can’t be good for me.”

 _Oh, you’ll see soon enough,_ replied Rayner. _For now, though, time to fetch you. Just a sec…_

About a minute later, E.V.L. felt her head being yanked off her body. After the usual startled yelp from Rayner, the rest of her was dragged out of her summoning circle and into his RC.

“I keep forgetting that your homefic took certain expressions literally,” the humanized pegasus chuckled.

“You’re not alone there,” E.V.L. replied, kicking her head into the air and catching it on her neck. “So, what’ve we got? Plagiarism? Songfics? Trans-continuum navigation?”

Rayner huffed, heading over to pick up the M-7 Lancer, courtesy of _Mass Effect,_ that they’d picked up during the New Year’s Gift Exchange. “All of the above and more. Our target is a double-whammy ripoff, ‘borrowin’’ bits and pieces from both _Frozen_ and _My Little Pony_.”

“Shouldn’t you be more upset than you sound?”

“I _would_ be, but there aren’t any canons involved. Unless you count Applejack bein’ turned into a reindeer, but I think this particular instance smacks more of name stealin’ than canon transfiguration.”

“Still, your tone seems slightly off-kilter today. I know I have low expectations for everything, but… does this have anything to do with the subject matter we’re about to face?”

He turned to her, grinning again. “Well… You know how you were pesterin’ me about the Once-ler, right?”

She blinked. “ _Ach du Scheiße_. Please don’t tell me what I think you’re going to tell me.”

“Oh, I will. We’ve got a mission into, surprise surprise, _The_ _Lorax._ The Movie specifically.” His triumphant leer widened as he programmed their disguises. “We’ve got ’bout seven chapters of needless Sue activity, but after that, we get to watch this glitter-bag make the Once-ler wanna drop his pants for her.”

E.V.L.’s eyelid twitched, her tail tip quivering. A moment later, Rayner was startled to see a shadowy tentacle shoot up from under him, and before he could react, it had snatched the Lancer from his hands and tossed it to his partner. She grabbed the Lancer with two more shadow tentacles and cocked it dramatically.

“What was that for?!” he cried.

“Don’t you have a weapon with you? You don’t have that much to worry about, it seems, but _I’ll_ need something for when that _Hündin_ crosses _me._ ”

There was a pause while Rayner considered this. “Ugh, fine. I wasn’t sure if I should give that to you because of your status and all, but I don’t wanna touch it anymore now that you’ve handled it.”

“Now _that_ sounds like the Pony Boy I know.”

“Look who’s talkin’, _ja?_  But anyway, you’re right. You’ve been pony-backin’ on me ever since I dragged you into this dump of a headquarters. We need to fix that with this mission.”

E.V.L. looked at the console again. “Well, so much for low expectations,” she grumbled, tightening the grip on the rifle which was now hers, apparently. “Less talking, more shooting.”

With that, Rayner opened up a portal, allowing the two agents to begin the mission.

 

********************

 

**Act One**

  * Soundtrack: [_Frozen_ (OST) — “Coronation Day”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfmXTlI14BA)



 

A blond teenaged boy and a dark-haired girl emerged into the pre-fic space, just in time to hear the high-pitched whine of the Author’s Note, along with a disclaimer that the author didn’t own any of the _Lorax_ characters but _did_ own **the OC's in this story.**

Almost as soon as the A/N had passed by, the chapter title did as well ( **Chapter 1: Ice of Pure Heart** ), and the agents suddenly found themselves inside some kind of palace bedroom.

 

> **In a kingdom called Florabelle and inside the Florabelle castle, a 4 year old girl named Ella walked in her parent's bedroom with her father King John as a sound of a baby crying is heard is in there.**
> 
> **The queen,Melissa was holding her newborn daughter who is wrapped in a pink blanket,smiling happily as the family was expecting for their newborn daughter and princess to came to the new world.**
> 
> **Ella climbed the bed to see her new baby baby stopped crying and saw cooed and giggling as if she already knew who she was.**
> 
> **"Hello little baby sister." said Ella happily as she always wanted a little sister and was excited when her parents told her about the looked her mom. "What's her name mommy?!"**
> 
> **"Kinara Rose Heartling" said her mother gently.**

 

The agents looked at each other with exasperated expressions. E.V.L. shook her head, blowing an obsidian strand out of her face.

“You can almost _hear_ the clichés singin’ in the spring breeze,” said Rayner.

“I should be so lucky,” E.V.L. replied sourly.

The agents were promptly hit by a scene shift that took them to the next day, specifically a celebration of the birth of Ella's new sister. Though Rayner was understandably annoyed with ending up under his partner, they didn’t talk much, preferring to simply watch the party in honor of the princesses. This was, of course, very conventional as princess stories go - that is, until **a strange blue glow flew into the room** , and then revealed itself to be **Eira the snow fairy.**

“She’s ripping off Cinderella, too,” said E.V.L. “How bloody original.”

“No, I think she's moochin’ offa Sleepin’ Beauty,” Rayner replied with a slight smirk. “Bonus points if the baby gets cursed.”

The scene was not as dark, oddly enough, but the baby did receive the power of ice and snow, which was not taken well at first. The family was reassured, however, after Eira told them that love would be the key to controlling this power, at which E.V.L. rubbed her forehead in dismay.

“The _Frozen_ elements are visible from miles away, apparently,” she said.

“ _Ja_ , and as ridiculously over-marketed as it is, that movie did make a point to not have the whole ‘love is the key’ thing turn up until after Elsa saw it for herself in the climax,” replied Rayner, ignoring his partner’s hostile glare.

The agents were briefly treated to an end-of-chapter Author’s Note, and then jolted into the second chapter. This one opened **_Twenty years later_ ** , with Florabelle preparing for **The Annual Summer Ball**.

As soon as E.V.L. picked herself off of Rayner a second time, she gave him a surprised look. “You’ve seen _Frozen_ ? I thought your only experience with it was through me, seeing as I _love_ that movie myself.”

“I still won’t buy that as an excuse for blasting ‘Let It Go’ at maximum volume in the inside of my skull for a week straight. But yeah, Lapis insisted on makin’ me watch it with her almost as soon as it arrived at the Canon Library. And before you ask, it wasn’t a great movie. Decent, yes, but not great.”

She huffed, giving him a disappointed look, and replied, “Rayner, please. You only say that because you’re still bitter over the whole ‘Let It Go’ ordeal.”

“I’ll say anything I want about whatever, and you really shouldn’t try to control what I like or dislike whether you’re in my head or not. And yes, I _am_ still upset with _ja_  over that stupid song, so shaddup.”

E.V.L. wisely decided not to transmit the song to her partner’s brain again. And anyway, she had more important matters to attend to at the moment.

Having been dumped in the Sue’s room, the agents were introduced to a pair of Cute Animal Friends owned by the Sue who was sleeping in her room (Minty the duck and Jewel the mouse). Right away, her older sister convinced them to tickle her awake.

Rayner’s eye caught his partner’s hand sneaking towards his ribs just in time for him to bat it away. He gave her an annoyed look and shook his head slightly.

“What’s wrong with you today?” she asked, tracing a halo over her head with her finger. “Given the memories of your homefic, you don’t seem to find tickling creepy or disgusting.”

He glared at her more fiercely this time. “I don’t, sure, but I know enough people who _do_ to say with confidence that you don’t drop it in a fic without consequences. Even if it’s totally SFW fluff, people can still be turned off by it! But that’s not what I’m worried about here.”

She sighed, letting her hand drop to her side as soon as he let go of her. “What _are_ you upset about, then? The Sue?”

He looked at her again with a dismayed expression. “Well, yeah. Specifically, the fact that for a continuum plagiarizing a 3D animated movie, she looks oddly… flat.”

“She’s a Sue. Not a canon possessor like I was, but –”

“No, _literally_ flat. As in, _two-_ dimensional. Like a cardboard cutout.”

She blinked. “Lucifer’s horns, you’re right,” she gasped. “And I think I know why. She’s –”

Rayner checked the Words and cut her off. “You can explain later. Kinara and her sis’re gonna have breakfast with the family shortly. She’ll find out the party’s gonna start at 7 PM, so until then, she’s just gonna chill for a couple of chapters. Oh, and the Applejack CAF is first mentioned as well.”

“How much of this fic can we skip?”

“The second half of this chapter is basically CAF!Applejack’s in-reindeer introduction, and the Sue takin’ on an identity known as Sunni Bell and singin’ the Smile Song from the MLP episode ‘A Friend in Deed’. No, really. The lyrics are exactly the same aside from the name change.”

“Creative, I’ll bet,” E.V.L. said in a deadpan voice, wincing as a few drops of Sar-Plasm landed on her hair. “Just like she is in general.”

“We may have to look through the third chapter for a bit, though, as that involves the Sue meetin’ some more _Frozen_ ripoff characters. In fact, it seems like the _entire Princess-damn kingdom_ is a ripoff of Arendelle! Lucky it’s in a separate dimension from the _Lorax_ continuum, otherwise we’ll hafta burn the whole place down!”

She wiped the Sar-Plasm out of her hair. “You’re certainly not alone in that sentiment. As eager as I am to rack up at least six digits of property damage, though, if the characters involved don’t cause trouble in an existing continuum with copyrighted canons, we can seal off the place and call it a day.”

“If only it were so simple! What if it starts bleedin’ into the–”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” she said, holding up the RA. “Let’s just check out the third chapter and see what else the fic has to offer.”

Rayner nodded, but turned his head away so his partner wouldn’t have to see him smile.

The agents stepped through the portal into Chapter Three, which was sometime after the plagiarized musical number. They watched the Sue and her CAFs sit down outside a cafe and order some food from a bit character named Linda, who apparently knew what she liked. Rayner, of course, looked thoroughly uninterested in either the food or the Sue’s monologue.

“Do you think we should get some snacks from her as well?” asked E.V.L. “We can neuralyze her once we’ve paid.”

Rayner’s nostrils flared. “Sorry, but I’ll have to turn down your offer. This whole place _reeks_ of uncanon and you wanna buy food from it?! What if it… Celestia help me… _comes alive in your stomach_ because of all that glitter? Y’know, like the Slorp?”

“But the characters aren’t exactly terrible, save for the Sue. It can’t hurt to try.”

“It _will_. I’ve been there before. And besides, the Sue’s like, _right in front of the buckin’ cafe._ What if she notices us?!”

“What if? It’s not like you’ve got your Lisa Frank coiffure on you at this time. No, I’m not sorry that I said that, and yes, I’m getting tea and crumpets no matter what you think. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

Rayner glared at her, but didn’t argue. Instead, he handed her the neuralyzer and said, “Tea and crumpets are a _British_ thing, Glitter Girl. If you’re gonna risk blowin’ our cover like in every other mission we’ve been through, why not be 20 percent more respectful to your heritage and order Black Forest Cake instead?”

“Is my accent really that misleading? I’m not sorry,” she replied, blowing a lock of hair out of her face again. With that, she took the neuralyzer and headed into the cafe, muttering something about bucking straps and lederhosen. Rayner ignored her, knowing full well that she was not going to have a good time pretty soon.

By the time she returned, a sweet-smelling box in her hand, the Sue had purchased some flowers for her sister, and was currently talking to another bit character, the **duke of Ferriton** , who was apparently speaking in a **royal like accent**.

“How many guards had to be called in to deal with you?” he asked with a dry smile.

“None. I made sure that Linda won’t remember the Sue, so no harm done.”

“Did you get me anythin’?”

“I was thinking of that, but then I decided, well, that I have enough for both of us.”

She opened the box a little, reached in, and pulled out a tiny crumb, which she flicked at her partner’s head. He wasn’t amused at all, but there really wasn’t anything he could do at this point without the Sue noticing.

“Figured as much,” he grumbled. “We can skip to when she gets back. I think there’s another major charge there that we don’t wanna miss.”

They stepped through the portal, returning to the Sue’s room. There they found her busily and verbosely working on Ella’s sickeningly pink dress with her CAFs, complete with a flower crown. Once she was finished, she realized that it was too heavy to carry. A moment later, to the shock of the agents, **Kinara use her telekinesis to carry the dress form to Ella's bedroom that was down the hall where her room was.**

The agents were then jolted by a scene shift, but managed to remain standing. For the next few moments, however, E.V.L. remained trembling.

“What. Did. She. Just. _Do?”_ she snapped. “If I recall correctly, those fairies gave her the powers of _ice and snow,_ and not some sort of _Tartarus-damned_ _telekinesis_.”

“Eeyup. I don’t remember _that_ being mentioned previously in the fic.”

“Agreed,” said E.V.L. “I’m not sure if the ice powers qualify as a charge given the context, but New Powers As The Plot Demands _do_. As do her flatness and recycled movement.”

“Recycled what now?”

“Do you know of the practice of using bases for picture creation? Like a paper doll of sorts? People do that a lot on DeviantArt, and I have a feeling that’s why Kinara looks like that. And since the bases are copied from a general template, this means the movement would logically be recycled animation as well.”

Rayner picked his ear and scowled. “ _Scheiss_ , can’t this Sue do _anythin’_ original?!”

A few rooms away, Kinara surprised her sister with the dress she’d made, which didn’t fall apart at all despite being made in less than 50 minutes – not to mention weighing, as far as the agents were concerned, at least a ton.

“Charge for Speshul crafting skills, too?” asked E.V.L.

“And not a craftin’ table in sight, either,” Rayner agreed.

“This is sounding less like a fanfic and more like original fiction that plagiarizes _Frozen_. Despite its flaws, it would be just okay on its own with a little improvement, and not outright bad, but as you’d put it, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“This chapter ends shortly. Shall we get ready for the ball?”

“We don’t have any formal attire on us, though. What would you suggest?”

Rayner reached into his bag, rummaged through it a little, and pulled out what looked like a Pokédex. “Knew it was a good idea to bring a D.O.R.K.S. with me!”

E.V.L. looked at the device skeptically. “What good is it going to do, anyway? We already have disguises.”

“Yeah, but this thing will allow us to _change_ them. Should come in handy for gettin’ us ready for that dance party just ahead.” He gave her the stink-eye and added, “Do _not_ ask me to dance with you, _Glitter Girl_.”

After operating the device, which let out some futuristic noises and a flash of light, the agents found themselves in fancy ballroom clothing.

“I wasn’t going to ask you out, Pony Boy,” she said, before checking the Words for a moment and gasping in alarm. “And we won’t need to dance just yet, anyway.”

“Why?”

She didn’t say anything, but opened up a portal into the next chapter. Skipping past the excessive description of the Sue’s preparations, they landed in the hallway outside her room, just in time for her to pass right by them. And then...

 

> **Kinara seeing the others maids putting the finishing touch on the decorations even the one on the doors.**
> 
> **The decorations are up everywhere!**
> 
> **So much than the heart can share.**
> 
> **In the dining room, the maids were bringing plates and dishes to the royal ballroom, Kinara looked curious as she put up a plate and see that it had unique floral patterns on it.**
> 
> **Who knew we own eight thousand salad plates**

The Sue continued her off-key rendition of “For The First Time In Forever”, mimicking Anna of Arendelle almost exactly, save for her spoken dialogue. This took up the majority of the chapter, during which the agents could only stare at the Words with their mouths agape.

The song ended, oddly enough, with the Sue bumping into Ella. The agents were _still_ completely dumbstruck. Until E.V.L. spoke up, that is.

“... _That’s_ why.”

 

********************

 

**Act Two**

  * Soundtrack: [_Frozen_ (OST) _—_ “Sorcery”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZUdGvdIgyg) \+ [_The Lorax_ (OST) — “Truffula Valley Fantasy”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1c0LHTiL3e8)



 

Rayner was still fuming over the plagiarized song – and the blatant ripoff of _Frozen_ as usual – when the agents portaled their way into Chapter Five. They’d left the Sue in a mopey state when her sister had been invited by some Prince Charles (of the Northern Isles) to dance with him.

To their surprise, however, the agents didn’t land in the same place as before, but in a **magnificent castle** , just outside a **guarded door with guards guarding the outside.** They rushed over to a random corner and hid behind it to avoid being noticed.

“Pagin’ the Department of Redundancy Department,” said Rayner.

“Why do we have to hide outside?” asked E.V.L. “Surely, it’ll be more comfortable within the chamber itself.”

“It’s guarded, remember? And besides, according to the Words, there’s a buncha powerful spirits around here, and we shouldn’t let ’em notice us. In fact, we shouldn’t be here at all!”

“What’s wrong with an entirely original world, without any canon elements to speak of? I’d be happy to invade it without any trouble if I could just get my chains off.”

He glared at her again. “That’s not the problem. If we’re in an entirely outta-canon universe, there’s a chance that the SEP fields won’t work!”

“Which is exactly why the disguises are _necessary._ ”

“I don’t know if they’ll help…”

E.V.L. was about to respond to that, but then she paused. “Is it just me, or has the air suddenly become ten degrees warmer?”

Rayner raised an eyebrow, and then checked the Words. Sure enough, deep within the guarded chamber, **a reddish orange aura glow flow through the air event above.** The “aura glow” formed into a person, **a woman with golden skin, long flowing red hair with yellow highlights, aqua blue eyes, wearing a red dress, and a black cape**. This character was quickly named **Flametta,** **the spirit of fire** and a major antagonist.

The male agent, deciding that there was nothing better to do, fished out the C-CAD from his bag and pointed it at the fire spirit.

_[Flametta. Fire spirit. Original Character. OS ERROR: PLEASE REBOOT.]_

The device began to smolder a little in Rayner’s hand as E.V.L. gave him a Not Amused look. “This is not a canonical continuum,” she said. “What did you think was going to happen?”

He glared at her, but said nothing, instead choosing to try and reboot the C-CAD.

The chamber itself, apparently, contained three chests and four crowns. These were protected by a laser detection system like in a spy movie, but she stepped nimbly around them and stole the artifacts within. However, her cape tripped the security system, causing the guards to rush into the room and start fighting with her.

“Should we just skip this chapter?” asked Rayner. “I don’t think it’s safe…”

“No no, this is getting good,” said E.V.L. “If only I still had my umbrakinesis…”

“Uh, English please?”

“Shadow manipulation. You know I have my hands tied when I’m not in disguise.”

He looked away, a bead of sweat running down his forehead. E.V.L. could’ve sworn she’d heard him whispering to himself about artistic liberties, but she didn’t think about it.

A moment later, Flametta literally ran into Eria, which led to a massive fight between the two fairies. In the midst of the struggle, one of the stolen crowns fell out of the sky palace they were dueling in and into the human world below (Eria managed to save everything else, though).

Furious, Flametta teleported away, leaving Eria and **Text** , a male technology fairy, to discuss what was to come.

The lost crown, evidently the **crown of friendship** , had fallen into **Greenville, South Carolina**.

Rayner stared up at the ceiling in a silent plea of “Why?!”

“And so the _real_ adventure begins,” said E.V.L. “Can we return to the ball now? My gown is starting to feel a little uncomfortable in this heat.”

Rayner facepalmed. He’d forgotten that they were still in their formal gear. “Next chapter, right?”

E.V.L. nodded and opened a portal, allowing them to make their way into Chapter Six ( **Chapter 6: The Big Night pt 2** ). Skipping past the Author’s Note, the agents found themselves in the courtyard outside Kinara’s castle, where she was joined by some of her bit character friends. They were soon talking about Ella, complete with a reference to Cinderella, and Prince Charles, who was revealed to be scheming to control the kingdom.

Once again, Rayner scowled. “Hans’ master plan was a secret kept only to himself until he told Anna near the end of _Frozen_ ,” she said. “Even if this Prince Charles was an expy, how could the bits know of what he was doing?”

“Rumor, perhaps,” said E.V.L. “They may have heard of his antics from other kingdoms _after_ the breakups.”

“Good point.”

At that moment, the Sue realized something and ran into the castle, leaving the confused Bits behind. One jolt from a scene shift later, the agents found themselves back in the castle. Apparently, everyone was making a fuss over the fact that they now had _7,999_ salad plates.

E.V.L. was the first to comment on this. “Okay, forget the fuss. How in Tartarus did they notice that they had one less plate out of _eight-bloody-thousand?_ Did they actually have someone to count them all? And why would someone even bother with that in the first place?”

“My thoughts exactly,” said Rayner. “We need to skip a few things after this. Okay, a _lotta_  things. We need to find the part where the Sue makes her way out of this original albeit plagiarized continuum, and start noting the canon distortion.”

E.V.L. nodded and opened a portal. The agents landed in the garden, hiding in some bushes just as the Sue encountered Eria, resulting in both of them freaking out.

After calming down, the two badfic characters started talking, during which Eria revealed that the Sue’s powers were given to her because of her pure heart.

“In other words, because she’s Speshul,” Rayner whispered.

After briefly explaining the situation, and how the Sue had to find the missing crown, Eria proclaimed that Kinara was the owner of **the Magic of Love** , which frustrated the Sue and led to her arguing with the snow fairy.

“Of _course_ she’d refuse,” said E.V.L. “The author’s practically running through a checklist of Sue traits for all we care.”

“Which will make her death the _only_ interestin’ thing to happen to her so far,” added Rayner.

“So even her future falling in Twu Wuv with the Once-Ler won’t be exciting?” She leveled a glare at him, knowing what he’d said earlier.

“Doubt it,” he replied flatly. “Knowin’ all the stereotypes we’re seeing so far, I’m pretty sure we’ll be seeing even more once she ends up in Truffula Valley.”

“Let’s just get this over with. I’d rather make my suffering quick.”

She opened up a portal, but caught Rayner’s smile a moment later. “What?”

“Oh, nothin’. It’s just… Don’t be surprised if I have some laughs at your expense. Y’know, because this is the _Once-ler_ we’re talking about here…”

Skipping past the end of the ball (and changing back into their usual outfits besides), the agents found themselves in the following morning, during which the Sue met with Eria again, this time bringing her CAFs with her – including a new one, a **pink puffling** named Truffula. After some brief conversation, **Eria's hands started to glow. "Trees soft than silk and smell of butterfly milk, Barbaloots lay and Swamee Swans fly, Humming Fish sings their finale, I summon you to the Truffula Valley." A blue aura flow out of Eria's hands and went around them. It covered around them and then they disappeared.**

“ _I do believe that this is our cue_ ,” said Rayner. “ _It’s off to the Truffula Valley for us, too!_ ”

E.V.L. gave him the stink-eye, but opened a portal anyway.

 

 

> **Far away from where Florabelle is, The beautiful breathtaking Truffula Valley was awake by a morning sunrise and in the middle of the valley was tent cottage. Inside the house, was a slighty muscular tall 22 year old man with short black hair and blue eyes sleeping in his bed. He's wearing a blue pajama with yellow bunnies on them. His name is Onceler. When the sun shined on his face, he groaned, not wanting to get up. He spend all night making extra thneeds he picked from Truffula trees. The sun shined even brighter so he gave up and got out of bed.**
> 
> **"Been up making your "marvelous" invention again?" A mysterious voice said. Onceler turned behind him and saw a orange, fuzzy, peanut shaped creature The Lorax.**
> 
> **"Yes if you must know." Onceler said annoyed as he changed into his clothes. "But I don't think I'll be selling today." He said then sadly. He tried to sell his Thneed for three weeks but ends up with tomato stained clothes**

A stray period, a lowercase letter s, and a hyphen floated past the agents, followed by another orange fuzzy peanut-shaped creature, this one only half as tall as the Lorax but with the same yellow mustache.

E.V.L. grabbed at her face and dragged her long, sharp nails down her skin, ignoring the pain completely. “Okay, what in the Malebolge?! _The_ Once-ler isn’t _muscular_ ; he’s thin as a twig! Also, they don’t define his age in canon, and in the original book, his _species_ isn’t stated, either – he could very well be just a pair of floating green gloves for all I know.”

“Since when has that stopped the likes of you?” Rayner said with a smirk. She glared at him, and then down at the mini-Lorax who was tugging at her pant leg.

“And apparently, the punctuation of this fic could use some work as well,” said E.V.L.

“Hello, Onceler!” said Rayner, patting the mini-Lorax’s head. “Is the big greedy asshat with the green gloves botherin’ you?”

“He is _not_ an asshat!” E.V.L. snapped. “He’s easily manipulated, yes, but he is _not_ openly malicious! If there’s anyone who’s an asshat, it’s his greedy, abusive _mom!_ ”

“Whoa, whoa! When did you get so defensive all of a sudden?!”

“The Once-ler is one of my LOs, in case you haven’t noticed.”

“Your attempt at chuckin’ your head at the TV to smooch him onscreen was quite enough of an indicator, thanks.”

“Of course. I honestly regret that I didn’t hear of this continuum until recently, because I would have been happy to tempt him to his ruin…” She sighed dreamily, ignoring Rayner’s “Are you buckin’ serious?” face.

 

> **"Its okay, I'm sure there's hope for you and your thneed." The Lorax said as he put some pancakes on his and the animals plates. "Yeah, like hope is just gotta fall right out of sky." Onceler said pointlessly.**

E.V.L. wondered if the Ironic Overpower listened to canons as well, because at that moment **they hear a big boom and went outside to look.** The sky darkened overhead as the agents watched as well, joined by another mini-Lorax, **Swamee Swans** . A few moments later, **A blue beam with snowflakes hit the ground in the middle of the valley and a massive cold wind blows through the Truffula Valley.**

A moment later, another scene shift threw the agents off their feet. This time, they found themselves back in the realm of the fairies, though this time they were viewing the Word World through some kind of grainy footage like an 80’s movie.

As the agents watched, the scene showed what happened **_50 minutes ago_ **. Flammetta was talking with two earlier-introduced antagonistic bits, Venus and Thora, about the “pure heart” being located.

Before the agents could comment about this, another scene shift catapulted them back into Truffula Valley. Or more precisely, into the Humming Fish pond.

With much struggling and splashing, they managed to reach the shore, dragging themselves out onto the beach. The storm overhead had presumably abated some time ago, but the noise of thunder and wind was soon replaced by another sound: the Sue’s off-key singing.

E.V.L. stuck her fingers in her ears and buried her face in the mud. If she could look at her partner, she would’ve seen him struggling not to laugh.

As he checked the Words, though, trying to figure out where this new song was from, he noticed that the Sue was fast approaching, so he stood up and hauled his partner, with some difficulty, into a nearby bush.

The bedraggled agents had managed to take cover just as the Sue passed by, still singing off-key. Rayner couldn’t believe what he was seeing – it was as though someone had drawn over the CGI landscape using MS Paint, and the flat, depthless girl was moving like something out of a crude Adobe Flash animation. The animals didn’t notice any of this as they started following her, happily singing along.

Two more mini-Loraxes, **Barbaloot** and **Barbloot** , joined the agents a few moments later.

“Do I want to know what’s outside?” E.V.L. moaned next to her partner.

“Uh… No? Yes? No, I’m thinkin’ no,” said Rayner, though he snickered a moment later. “Okay, I’ll tell you. She’s gotten the animals to join her singin’.”

She sat bolt upright with a cry of “ _What?!_ ”, causing the Sue to briefly stop singing. Thankfully, she would’ve stopped anyway, because the Lorax had shown up by that point, and she was too startled by his appearance to think about who had spoken up from the bushes.

Rayner pressed his hand over his partner’s mouth, glaring at her. “Even if we’re in a canon location, you _have_ to keep your voice down!” he whispered fiercely.

“But… The animals… The Once-Ler needed to use marshmallows to tame the Bar-Ba-Loots,” said E.V.L. “If this Sue can hypnotize them with her singing, what would she do to the Once-Ler?!”

“My thoughts exactly,” said Rayner. “Let’s just get on with – Oh, _horse-apples._ The Lorax recognizes the **ice of pure heart**?!”

If E.V.L. could cry Single Tears of Blood, she would have. As it was, it was her turn to gaze up at the sky in despair.

The Sue continued talking with the Lorax, heedless of a strange breeze and some paragraph symbols that now began getting tangled in the Truffula Trees. The agents looked more dismayed by the minute as they went on about the missing crown and the fairies.

By the time Kinara decided to head off to the Once-Ler’s cottage (curious about the Lorax referring to someone named **Beanpole** ), which ended the chapter, E.V.L. was visibly trembling. As her partner looked a little closer, he noticed that the leaves immediately surrounding her were already starting to wilt.

“Lemme guess,” Rayner said with a smirk. “You’re the only one who’s legally allowed to invade this continuum?”

“That’s none of your business, _Pony Boy_ ,” she growled. “And I’m not angry that I can’t make a mess of things before she can. I’m angry that _she’s going to romance the Once-Ler in the first place._ ”

“And you can’t?”

“Shut up.”

The agents made their way into the next chapter, skipping past the Author’s Note and the entire first third of the chapter in which the Sue’s family found out about her disappearance. They landed just outside the Once-Ler’s cottage, hiding in another bush just as the Sue arrived with her CAFs and the Lorax in tow.

Once inside the cottage, the group shared some pancakes. Rayner’s stomach growled in spite of himself.

“I’ll save some of her for you, don't worry,” said E.V.L., a faint smirk on her face.

He glared at her again. “ _Really_ , Glitter Girl? You know how I am with messy Sue deaths, and I don’t plan t’ dispose of her, anyway. Makin’ fun of my condition is seriously Not Cool.”

“Ugh, _fine_. There's still some of that cake left. What? I left more than a crumb behind, and I lost my appetite the moment this Sue landed in Truffula Valley.”

She held up the box, but her partner gave it a look like it was something poisonous.

“Unless you want to steal some pancakes, marshmallows, or Truffula Fruit – and unlike me, I highly doubt you’d want to touch anything canonical – this is the only edible thing we have at the moment,” said E.V.L. “Besides, the Sue being in the house means raiding it is a no-go anyway. Unless you want to kill her now, but we’ll need a _full_ charge list for that.”

He rubbed his forehead, knowing that she was right. A moment later, he snatched the box from her and dug in.

Meanwhile, the Lorax was now explaining to the Sue about the Once-ler’s attempts at marketing, which were all met with rejection, not to mention a rain of tomatoes.

“Okay, what?” asked E.V.L., raising an eyebrow. “If the Once-ler was turned down after trying to market the Thneed multiple times, then why would the townspeople accept his invention so suddenly after that? I can understand if it proved more useful than he initially suspected, but I believe he was shown going to market the Thneed only _once_ before the production boom. And the invention was _already_ successful in the original book, too.”

Rayner gave her a curious look, wiping the whipped cream and chocolate shavings from his face. “So, the Once-ler bein’ ridiculed for his invention multiple times is a charge?”

“Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know. The movie didn’t specify how much time passed between his creating the Thneed in the first place and the invention really taking off. We’ll have to just leave it for now.”

Blowing the smoke from his C-CAD, Rayner pointed it at the Lorax, then at the Sue.

_[The Lorax. Forest guardian. Dr. Seuss canon, The Lorax : main character. Out of Character 23.45%.]_

_[Kinara Rose Heartling. Ice of pure heart. Original character. Mary Sue. WHERE’S THE DEPTH?!]_

“Huh, surprisingly low on the Lorax’s part. The majority of the OOC seems to come from knowin’ what Kinara is, but other than that, he’s his usual grumpy but caring self.”

The Lorax and the Sue had decided by this point to clean the house up. Yet another mini-Lorax, **Swoomie swans** , joined the agents. The scene ended a few lines later, so they moved on.

Skipping past another scene with the villains in World One, specifically in California (for some reason), the agents portaled their way to when the Once-ler returned to the house, covered in tomato juice. Though the Lorax tried to stop him finding out about Kinara, he found out anyway, and wasn’t particularly pleased.

That is, until the Lorax told him that she’d cleaned up the house. That softened up the canon a bit, to E.V.L.’s dismay.

“So she’s still got her Aura of Smooth on even though she’s asleep, huh?” she growled.

“Actually, she’s about to wake up,” replied Rayner. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t send her away immediately like he _should._ ”

“Knowing what she’s done, she’s probably made him lose all common sense by now. As an ex-Ficubus myself, I can say with confidence that I’d do the exact same thing.”

She still kept her condescending smirk even when Rayner chucked the now empty cake box at her face.

 

********************

 

**Act Three**

  * Soundtrack: [_The Lorax_ (OST) — “Valley Exodus”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdDtbYcEcNU)



 

The agents stepped through the portal into Chapter 9, skipping past a brief Author’s Note thanking several peers for favoriting and commenting on the author’s work on DeviantArt.

“The Suethor has a dA account?” asked E.V.L., hiding with her partner in the same bush as before (which now looked more than a bit sickly). “That explains a lot.”

“Now now, it’s the _Sue_ we’re supposed to be dissin’ here,” said Rayner. “But you’re right, bases and tracin’ are tragically common on that site. I can say with confidence that a dressed up paper doll is _not_ a strong character design.”

“It isn’t?”

“Not by any stretch of the imagination. No, agents who were once replacements don’t count. They may be copies of pre-existin’ characters, but they develop in their own way.”

“Unlike this Sue, of course, who can’t even write an original bloody _plot_.”

“My thoughts exactly.”

The Sue, who had introduced herself to the Once-ler by this point, was now understandably upset that he had cut down a Truffula Tree to make the Thneed he’d showed to her.

“I need one of those,” said E.V.L. “A souvenir, if you will.”

“We are _not_ takin’ anythin’ from canons, period,” Rayner growled at her, but then he patted her shoulder. “But if he gives a Thneed to the Sue, that’s fair game.”

She blinked at him. “Hrm, odd. I thought you were supposed to be mocking me and my interest in the Once-ler.”

“I know, I know. But this is, in a way, an opportunity for you that I’d honestly hate to ruin. I’m not contestin’ the fact that you’re visiting the _world_ of _The Lorax_ for the first time – just your seeing the Once-ler in person.”

She idly picked a decayed leaf from the bush and crumbled it in her fingers. “Well, I guess there’s that,” she said, looking a little deflated.

The Once-ler, meanwhile, was now recounting his tale of how the Lorax had tried to send him over the waterfall as in the movie. This, of course, took the Sue and her CAFs by surprise.

 

> **Onceler, hands on hips: HE hooked the animals into carrying it down the valley to the riverbank...**
> 
> **Kim: AND How pray tell did they get the bed out of your um...House tent?**
> 
> **Lorax, interjecting: They carried it out the window. We tried going through the door first, but the bed was too wide and we didn't wanna wake Beanpole up.**

Rayner: Was this in the movie, or…

E.V.L.: I believe it wa – wait, what in Tartarus? _Ach du Scheiße,_ we’re in _script fic!_

Rayner: Oh, for buck’s sake, what _hasn’t_ this fic done to –

One line of dialogue and a tense jolt later, the agents found themselves back in third person.

“I have never experienced script fic before,” said E.V.L. “It feels… strange.”

“Yeah, well, at least we haven’t run into a fic written _entirely_ in script-fic, haven’t we?”

“And the Ironic Overpower laughs in the distance.”

“Ugh, I said that out loud, right?”

“Yes.”

The Sue, meanwhile, explained her backstory to the Once-ler, and to the agent’s mild surprise, he didn’t believe her. This aggravated her to the point where her eyes turned ice-blue and ice crystals began forming on her fingertips, but he _still_ didn’t believe her.

“I can understand not trustin’ her sorry tale, but dismissin’ it _after_ she shows signs of clearly being Speshul?” Rayner growled. “Charge for makin’ the Once-ler a stupid asshat!”

“He is _not_ an asshat!” E.V.L. nearly shouted. This caused the Sue’s powers to falter, and she briefly looked out the window to see who had spoken up. The agents held their breath, frightened, but after a moment, she grabbed her things and stormed out of the cottage, pausing only to briefly note that one of the bushes outside looked strangely wilted.

Rayner glared at E.V.L. and whispered, “Way to go, _Glitter Girl_.”

“What did I do? Nearly blow our cover _again?_ ”

“Almost. And the third time you speak up like that, she’s _definitely_ going to notice!”

“How do you know that?”

He looked away from her, scowling. “Because it’s happened before.”

Judging from his thoughts, she guessed that he was referring to whatever had happened to his previous partner. She shut up almost immediately.

Another scene shift took them back to Florabelle, the two of them ending up on top of each other again. Seizing the opportunity, E.V.L. decided to sit on Rayner’s back for a while, just to be a pain. In this state, they watched the King and Queen worry about **their little Kinny Winnie**.

“ _Kinny Winnie?_ That’s the most creative they’ve got?” E.V.L. said to herself. “I’d have gone with something more intimidating. Y’know, like ‘Breezie Freezie’ or ‘Anna’.”

“Get. Off. Me,” growled Rayner.

“Nope.”

Ella, meanwhile, had headed off to her room, crying. Unsurprisingly, she blamed herself for letting Kinara go missing. A moment later, the Words revealed that her caretaker, **Elinor** , had come to visit her.

E.V.L. gave Rayner a surprised look. “Elinor? Why does that sound familiar?”

“Who’s willing to bet that she’s gonna look like Canon!Elinor from _Brave_?” Rayner muttered beneath her.

“Or Elinor Dashwood, from the Jane Austen novel _Sense and Sensibility_. But my guess is that the author just used a generic placeholder name for this character.”

“Like she’s doin’ with all the other characters around here?”

“Pretty much, yes.”

Luckily, the scene was fairly brief, with Elinor convincing Ella to leave the castle as well. The agents then portaled back to Truffula Valley to check on the Sue.

As it turned out, several things happened in succession. First, the Sue found out that she’d accidentally taken the Once-ler’s journal rather than her own. Second, Truffula the puffling went missing. And third, when she tried to find her, she lost her locket, which rolled off towards the river from the movie.

“This should be fun,” said E.V.L.

“What are we supposed t’ do, let her drown?” asked Rayner. “We’ll be bucked if she dies by way of the badfic!”

E.V.L. looked at him, puzzled, and he felt something tug at his leg. When he looked down, however, there was nothing there.

“I don’t think this continuum, or this badfic, would let that happen to her,” said E.V.L. “Not after all the sunshine and daisies that we’ve been seeing so far. But if we can time our next move correctly, we may be able to grab her once she escapes.”

“Yeah, but what if the Lorax catches up to her? What do we do then?”

“Neuralyze him and the Once-ler, take care of the Sue and her uncanonical kingdom, and make a run for it.”

“You’re no fun at all.”

“I’m just being pragmatic. I know we still have four chapters after this, but I don’t want to get bored by all the cliches running around.”

He glared at her again, but then shrugged. “Hate t’ burst your bubble, _Glitter Girl_ , but the Once-ler’s about to find out that the Sue’s in the river, and he’s bound to rescue her once that happens. There’s no time to neuralyze him before then, either, so there goes your plan. Any other ideas?” He smirked at her.

He felt the tug on his leg again, harder this time, and looked around to see E.V.L. making a gesture as though to strangle him. But one Not Amused look from him was all that was needed to stop her in her tracks.

“Let’s just get going,” she snarled. “We’ll skip to the Sue’s first appearance in the next chapter. Ella’s going to be off on her own quest, and it’s not going to involve canon continua.”

“What about World One?” asked Rayner. “Should we fix that up too?”

“It’s an AU where the Spirit World is real. I wouldn’t worry too much.”

“I still wanna go after Ella as we—”

“She’s not interfering with the canon. Just leave her. It’s _Kinara_ I want dead.”

He paused for a moment, thinking. “So, do we still have to go the extra mile? If what you’re sayin’ is true, maybe you’re right. But it still can’t hurt to check…”

“You’re just saying that because you want _Ella_ gone as well. _No._ We’re getting rid of Kinara and neuralyzing everyone else, and that’s final.”

“I make the decisions here, not you! You’re just bein’ bossy because of what you once we — URK!”

A shadowy tentacle had wrapped around his throat, lifting him off the ground. Being the taller agent, E.V.L. had to lift him up in this way to look him in the eye.

“Listen, _Pony Boy._ You’re not the canon expert here. And even if we still have to neuralyze Ella, getting rid of her completely is not a practical option. What would her parents think if we got rid of _both_ of their children? You saw how they were when _one_ of them went missing. The kingdom _needs_ a princess and an heir to the throne, like it or not, and if you leave them without any, _it will surely fall._ ”

He paused to consider this. She was right, of course, but this Ella was non-canon. Would it really be the right thing to get rid of her too?

She set him down, shaking her head. “You’re unbelievable, you are.”

“Look who’s talking. Oh, and now you know… I _did_ take some liberties with your disguise.”

She blinked. “It’s because of that giant ugly bug we called in once, isn’t it?”

“Perhaps. As long as you don’t abuse ’em, just… Keep ’em. You got away with that with your first mission—”

“That was different. We weren’t in disguise.”

“And you know better than to try n’ challenge the Sue directly now, I’ll give you that. Insufferable as you are, you do learn pretty darn fast.”

She flipped her hair again. “Let’s just go already. We need to find the right time to get rid of the Sue.”

“Right. And get everythin’ back in order as well, don’t forget that.”

They made their way to the Sue’s next appearance, a third of the way through Chapter 10. Apparently, the **left side** of her hair had turned white the previous night, after her waterfall escapade. Along with the Sue, the Once-ler, and the Lorax, her CAFs were also in the cottage. The agents hid under a different window this time, after seeing that their previous hiding spot had lost all of its leaves.

 

> **"I'll never find the crown in the whole wide world to complete this quest. I almost became stain in a waterfall in one day... I'm a failure as a pure heart." She said, looking at her pure heart necklace as she got sadder after saying that.**
> 
> **Onceler hold her left hand and said. "You're not a failure, Kinara! Just because you had a bad day yesterday doesn't mean that tomorrow will be worst. Like my Dad says, If things go wrong the first day, then the next next day will be even better on you.'"**

Rayner pointed the C-CAD at the Once-ler this time. The agents looked at the reading, raising their eyebrows at the same time.

_[The Once-ler. Human. Dr. Seuss canon, The Lorax : main character. Out of Character 53.67%. Who cares if some THINGS are dying?!]_

The device began smoking again, and Rayner hastily put it away. “Ugh, I’d better replace that thing soon. It’s been rustin’ for like what, four months? Five, even?”

“Interesting reading,” said E.V.L. “The Movie!Once-ler at least probably wouldn’t be so quick to trust in other people, and it’s easy to see why. He got rejected throughout his entire sales pitch for the Thneeds. I don’t think his family treated him so well, either. They always preferred his brothers more.”

“Even after his Thneed business took off?”

“His mom put it this way after his business collapsed: ‘Son, you have let me down. Brett, you’re now my favorite child.’”

He cringed. “Ouch.”

“Precisely.”

The Once-ler explained about his family, and how his father and aunt supported him. E.V.L. gave the Words a look of doubt.

“Wasn’t the Movie!Once-ler’s entire motivation about proving himself to his family? Again, that ended poorly once his business went out of control. If he had someone to support him, he wouldn’t have run with his mother’s suggestions about ‘biggering’ his enterprise so quickly. His father would’ve told him not to, in fact.”

“How do you know that? It’s entirely possible that the Once-ler would’ve gone through with it anyway even if his dad tried to convince him against it. Otherwise, the movie would’ve ended a lot faster!”

“You’re missing the point, Pony Boy. It was the _Lorax_ who tried to convince him, and nobody did before or since.”

Before they could continue their discussion, however, they heard a loud sneeze from within the cottage. The air suddenly turned a few degrees colder.

“How soon is it going to be before she makes tiny snowmen like in _Frozen Fever?_ ” asked E.V.L.

“Whatever the case is, we’d better get a move on, before she freezes the entire cottage,” replied Rayner. He checked the Words. “Which should be… Oh, buck, it’s in a few lines! Outta the way!”

They scrambled out of harm’s way just before the biggest sneeze covered the entire cottage in snow.

“Do we move in now, while she’s vulnerable?” asked E.V.L.

“Not if she has a chance of freezin’ us with just a sneeze,” said Rayner. He checked the Words and added, “She’s probably gonna be cured by the end of the day, though. This chapter ends with her and the canons going to bed.”

A smile broke out on his partner’s face. “Hmmm… That gives me an idea.”

He looked at her apprehensively. “Oh horse-apples, don’t tell me you’re gonna hide under her bed and scare her to death…”

She grinned wider still. “Oh, but that would risk waking up the Once-ler, you colt. What I’m going to do is put an end to her silly, sugarcoated dreams. Tonight will be the time for her first nightmare, and her last. Pass me the D.O.R.K.S., will you?”

 

> **"Then I'll just ask something about it." Kinara said. Then she noticed Onceler's pajamas and giggled a little. "You wear these to bed?"**
> 
> **Onceler blushed and said. "Yeah. They're my favorite." As he went over to the bed, he looked at Kinara, who settled down on the couch with Minty, Jewel and Truffula. "Are you sure you don't want the sleep on the bed again?"**
> 
> **Kinara laid the blanket on her. "Of course Onceler, you deserve a good rest after you help me with my cold and rescuing me and Jewel." Appreciating his help yesterday.**
> 
> **"Okay." He said as he settled down on the bed with the Lorax and Pipsqueak. He yawned as he say. "Goodnight, Kinara." Kinara yawned goodnight as Onceler turned off the lights and they all sleep through the night.**

The Sue slept soundlessly for some time after the end-of-chapter Author’s Note rang throughout the scene. However, when she woke up, it was not the next morning, but in the middle of the night. The door to the cottage had creaked open.

“What is it Pipsqueak?” she asked groggily, sitting up. “Gonna push the couch into the river?”

No response. The door creaked again. She sat up a little straighter, looking suddenly nervous. “Hello? Whos there?”

She got off of the couch, walking slowly towards the kitchen, and switched on the light. It was completely empty… save for a stack of fresh pancakes on the table. Oh, and a wilted leaf.

Kinara headed over to the table and picked the leaf up in her fingers, puzzled. But then the light went off. She turned, frightened, and switched the light on again. But no sooner had she taken a step towards the Once-ler’s room when she realized that someone was standing right in front of her. A girl in a tattered black dress, with equally long black hair covering her face. She lifted her head to look at her, and the Sue could see eyes colored in grisly, hideous urple.

She opened her mouth to scream, but then she felt something wrap around it, instantly silencing her. More tentacles of dark matter bound her arms to her sides and lashed her ankles together, preventing her from fleeing. She could only struggle helplessly as her own shadow whisked her out the door and into the night, the creepy girl following swiftly after her.

The cottage door slamming shut caused the Once-ler to wake up with a start, and he headed over to the couch to check if the Sue was okay. Upon seeing that she was gone, he immediately rushed out the door, still in his pajamas.

“KINARA?!” he cried. “WHERE ARE YOU?!”

He turned back towards the house, intending to wake the Lorax, but at that moment, someone else appeared at the doorstep, blocking his way. The blond boy with the goggles over his eyes held up a small rod-like device, which went off with a _FLASH!_

“You’ve never met anyone named Kinara Rose Heartling,” said Rayner. “You’re tryin’ to sell your Thneeds, with no success, and you’re gonna prove yourself to your family… however futile that is. There is no Spirit World, no pure heart, no chosen ones who’ll take you off on an adventure irrelevant to your story. On behalf of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, thank you for your understandin’. Good night.”

Leading the Once-ler inside and to his bed, Rayner hastily neuralyzed the Lorax in the same way. It was then, however, that he heard an animal grunt behind him, and turned around. The Sue’s CAFs were still there!

He took one look at CAF!Applejack and facepalmed. “D’oh!”

 

**********

 

Kinara slowly opened her eyes, terrified. She found herself in some kind of strange factory, specifically at the end of a walkway over a lot of huge vats. She wanted to run, to head back to find the Once-ler, but she couldn’t move. What was happening?

She blinked the sleepiness out of her eyes, and next moment, the creepy girl was there.

“Who are you” she cried, quivering in terror.

The girl was silent for several moments. And then she started to laugh. An eerie, menacing laugh that sounded like something from a horror movie.

“Who am I?” she asked, an almost demonic echo in her voice. “I’m the polar opposite of you. You are the ice of pure heart, are you not?”

“Yes now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?”

“Just keeping you still. Don’t want you running off while you’re facing your charges.”

“Charges?” She gulped. “You’re not with the kingdom are you?”

“Nope. And I’m not with Flametta, either, in case you’re wondering. She’s not worth my time, really. _You_ are, though. And not in a good way.”

The creepy girl stepped slowly towards her, her bare feet making no sound on the walkway. Her hair and dress seemed to match the dark, smelly setting almost perfectly. There was so much grime and soot all over the place that her naked soles left noticeable tracks upon the floor, revealing the rusted metal beneath.

It was now painfully clear that this girl was blocking the Sue’s only exit. There was nowhere to run now.

“Kinara Rose Heartling,” said E.V.L., “by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a Mary Sue on account of the following charges: plagiarising a _tremendous_ amount of subject matter from _Frozen_ , _My Little Pony_ , and Cocytus knows what else; receiving Speshul abilities and characteristics practically at _birth_ ; gaining New Powers As The Plot Demands™; appearing as though you were crudely sketched from a base found online; singing off-key due to changed lyrics to a pre-existing song; having several CAFs who don’t do anything that important; making the Once-ler take a liking to you on sight; making _everyone_ take a liking to you on sight, for that matter; trying to drag the Once-ler into your own adventures for no reason; misunderstanding both the entire point of the _Lorax_ storyline _and_ the Movie!Once-ler’s motivation; exhibiting questionable SPaG; creating several mini-Loraxes; somehow having the Lorax be aware of your status as a supposed Chosen One ™; being a Chosen One ™ in the first place; briefly switching to script fic; and just being annoyingly boring and uncreative in general . Your punishment is death, and there is _no appeal_.”

She was now just a few feet from Kinara, who shrieked in terror and tried to freeze her. But the Sue felt stiff, paralyzed even – for E.V.L. was in control of her shadow, and she had paralyzed it and rendered her unable to move. The ex-Ficubus grinned in triumph and whipped out her M7-Lancer. Her victim screamed one last time.

One bullet went through the Sue’s head, and five more struck various points on her torso. Due to her traced nature, she now looked like a cutout that had been shot six times.

The perforated and very flat Sue fell backwards like a cardboard sign, tumbling through the Once-ler’s Thneed factory… and into a vat full of Gluppity Glup and Shloppity Shlop. There was a splash and a sizzle as her lifeless form fell apart like wet paper and vanished into the noxious ooze.

E.V.L. watched the Glup and Shlop for several moments, and then grunted in exasperation. “Bloody grime… It’s going to take _ages_ to wash it off. Especially on my feet…”

 

********************

 

**Post-Mission**

 

E.V.L. was taking a moonlit dip in the Humming Fish Pond when Rayner found her. Her dress — and the Thneed she’d filched from the Once-ler’s cottage to use as a towel — had been tossed casually onto the shore, and she was floating face-up and completely naked in the water, to the understandable curiosity of the pond’s inhabitants.

The humanized pegasus cleared his throat, causing her to look up. He shook his head and asked, “Really, now? You’re gonna just slack off now that you’ve no doubt killed her?”

“You won’t believe how hard the soot from the Once-ler’s factory is to wash off. No wonder the wildlife couldn’t stand it.”

“You’re stinkin’ up the pond, you ignorant sack o’ glitter. And you have one more job to do, anyway.”

“I do? I thought killing the Sue was enough.”

“We still have to neuralyze the non-canon characters. They’ll never stop worryin’ about Kinara until she’s found or confirmed dead.”

He tossed the D.O.R.K.S. and the neuralyzer onto the grass, turning away as E.V.L. stood up and exited the pond. “And put some clothes on, will _ja_?”

Once she’d changed back into her usual disguise, she picked up her gear and asked, “Where are the CAFs?”

The snort of a reindeer told her that they were still with them. CAF!Applejack walked over to her, sniffing curiously. Minty, Jewel, and Truffula were right behind her. The puffling crawled onto her shoe, looking up at her curiously.

“Now, what to do with them?” asked E.V.L.

“Return them, obviously,” replied Rayner. “They don’t belong here in Truffula Valley.”

“There was a donkey in the _Lorax_ movie. It’s not like these animals will look out of place anywhere else.”

“But they missed Kinara. I had to neuralyze ’em too. I don’t want to get my hands dirty with uncanon business, though, so maybe you should take care of the rest of the kingdom.”

She shuddered. “But there are just too many people. Why should I care about them?”

He looked her in the eye and replied, “Because they care about someone they shouldn’t.”

Her heart sank. He was right — the kingdom had to be cleansed of the Sue’s influence as well. And her CAFs needed to be returned, too.

“Give me the RA,” she growled.

Rayner opened a portal back to his RC, and promptly tossed the RA to her with a smirk. “Since you were the one who suggested going after the Sue the way you did, I’m going to let you do the rest of the work. Fair’s fair. Besides, I’m tired, and I need to relax for a bit in case we get a mission right after this one.”

He stepped through the portal, leaving E.V.L. to close it. She opened one up to where Ella was and stepped through, the CAFs in tow.

As it turned out, Ella and another character, Jack, were in the AU version of World One, riding on a horse-drawn sleigh towards some kind of library. E.V.L. flagged the sleigh down, and the two characters looked at her curiously. The puffling, which she’d decided to keep, now rested on her shoulder, and her Thneed was wrapped around her neck like a scarf.

“WHat are you doing here?” asked Ella.

“Just clearing things up,” said E.V.L. “Look this way, both of you.”

_FLASH!_

“You’ve never known anyone named Kinara Rose Heartling. Ella, you are an only child, and you ran off because you had difficulties with your family, and not any sister of any sort. Good day to you all.”

They blinked, a little confused, and then set off once more. E.V.L. watched them go, sighing in a mix of relief and dismay.

“That’s two down… and a couple thousand to go,” she grumbled.

As she opened a portal to Florabelle, getting ready to neuralyze everyone in the kingdom, she could hear Rayner’s voice echoing in her head.

_~How ba-a-a-ad can I be? I'm just doin’ what comes naturally. How ba-a-a-ad can I be? I'm just followin’ my destiny…~_

“Will you please stop that?” she fumed. “I really don’t want you rubbing it in.”

_And I can’t possibly care less. Once you’re done with what you’re doin’, maybe you’ll think twice next time before sendin’ me pics of a shirtless Once-ler, won’tcha?_

“I hate you, _Pony Boy._ ”

 

#  **[END]**

**Author's Note:**

> _A/N: What’s this? A new mission from me after all this ugly Real Life business on my end?! Blasphemy! Anyway, yeah, despite things getting pretty busy I’ve been trying to crank out missions and such in my spare time, even if that’s pretty much the only thing I have the leisure time for. Whatever, missions are fun! I hope to get a new one out by next month as well, just FYI._
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> _I’m… not sure what to say about this fic. The idea was actually pretty good, with the characters tailing after a magical artifact that got lost in World One, but the execution left a lot to be desired. There was far too much content that wasn’t original, and I had to sift through the whole mess a great deal to find anything that was. The fairies and the abilities they gave the Sue were nothing too special, and Flametta actually reminded me of a combination of Maleficent and Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove, which would’ve been fun had she and her lackeys gotten more screentime. Eria was just a Generic Big Good of sorts, though she had potential as a guidance figure. Ella was… okay. Tolerable, even, especially given how protective she supposedly is over her sis. The family worrying over the Sue’s disappearance made for some interesting drama as well and gave her an excuse to leave the castle for a while. The Sue herself, of course, was as ridiculously overpowered and self-centric as any, so it was pretty obvious who’d end up on the chopping block in this mission. That being said, though, she had potential herself, and the angsting over the Chosen One role could’ve been done better. A good piece of advice would be to think about how a real-life person would feel if they were in the same position, especially because such a role requires a lot more responsibility than most writers would think. So with all that in mind, if you got rid of the Frozen plagiarism and focused on the characters, this could work pretty well as a piece of original fiction… Note that I said ‘original fiction.’_
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> _With all due respect, the Sue dragging the Once-ler into her adventures, along with some of the other Lorax canons, was completely unnecessary — even if he wasn’t driven as completely OOC as in a sad majority of those Once-ler/“Greed-ler” slash fics that dominate the utter bizarreness that is the Once-ler fandom. I didn’t see any reason for her to go to the Truffula Valley except “because I want to”. Or rather, “because I want the Once-ler to fall in love with me”. Yeah, how about no. It should be obvious that such a sentiment is never a good excuse to drag him out of the canon no matter what you think. He has his own story to tell, and someone trying to pull him out of it wouldn’t be a good thing. In fact, if the author spent the first seven chapters or so of the fic establishing their own original story, is there any reason to include the Lorax movie at all? Sorry, but dragging your favorite characters into your fanfic just because you feel like they deserve to be there, without including a very good reason why, is not something you can or should do with impunity. (And yes, as we all know, I speak from experience here.)_
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> _So… yeah. This was a weak effort overall, but it could’ve been redeemed with a few critical changes, and it’s not the outright worst I’ve seen as it is. The plagiarism and unnecessary plot devices, however, were just too much for me to ignore. With all due respect, I think some of the story elements are worth keeping, but the rest of them simply don’t make for a good fanfic, and sadly, the best way to salvage the better parts of this fic would have to be just restarting the whole thing from scratch._
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> _And yes, as E.V.L. briefly mentioned, my mental movie projector has her speak with a British accent. She’s European, after all, and I’ve seen Europeans in media speak that way a lot, so to me it makes sense for her to do the same. So sue me._
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> _-SkarmorySilver_
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> Rescued minis:
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> The Lorax (mini-Loraxes):  
> \- Onceler  
> \- Swamee Swans  
> \- Barbaloot  
> \- Barbloot  
> \- Swoomie swans


End file.
